we'll always have each other when everything else is gone

at long last

i finally named my nameless fish, after having him for almost a month. haha. let's review my fish history;

• first fish, Oliver, agressive little beast. gave him to mom. lives on kitchen counter.


• second fish, Jasper, HUGE lips. freaked me out. died, got flushed.


• current fish, living on my dresser for about a month. dark blue purple. never had a name.

meeeeeeeet Jacob!!

(i swear twilight is not influencing my naming choices)

believer; ben kweller

wow. okay, things have been moving really fast lately. endowment date and wedding date are set. wedding "stuff" is getting figured out. so is after the wedding stuff, i guess. haha. anyways, through this whole process i have been able to identify those who truely love me and care about my happiness and for that i am grateful. thankkk you.

i gave a talk on sunday on faith. my dad gave me "Lectures on Faith" by Joseph Smith. it is AMAZING. oh my goodness, spiritual truth and knowledge pours out of that book. so i focused my talk on that. i dont even remember giving it, i was so nervous. i didnt even tell brad i was giving a talk, and i felt really bad (after) for not telling him. haha. ohhh well.

school is crazy, getting ready for clinicals. it turns out im doing nights, 6.00 pm - 6.30 am. ahhhh. sleeping during the day is going to mess me up. i'm nervous. but there's nothing i can really do about it. i'll be at banner gateway for most of the time, which is good cause it's right by my house. i'll also be going to county which i am the most nervous about. but i hear nights arent as bad, as far as "hospital politics" go. haha. which is good? anyways, it turns out that the way my schedule is set i'll have about six days off for the wedding. yay!

this is NOT my dress. so, therefore, i think it's okay to post it? plus it's not modest, so obvioulsy i wasnt serious about it. anyway, kati my mom and myself tried on stuff for fun.

the answer

this isn't going to be easy, but it will be okay. it's what's supposed to happen.

out in the open

eventful day! kati, mom, and i ventured out to try on wedding gowns and bridesmaid dresses. and guess what! i found one and bought it! it was a tough decision between the sexy mermaid cut and the elegant lace a-line. im not saying which one i picked. haha but i did get a veil too! kati tried on a dress and i loveee it. so we found a bridesmaid dress. and im positive everyone will look freaking amazing in it! also i found a flower girl dress for noel. i settled on an invitaion too. so everything is going good right now. ahhhh. and i think we have a date...? ahhhhh

ohhhh yes

i got my ring back! and i loveeee it. i am never going to take it off. except for applying lotion or cleaning or such. haha. but reallly, i love it and i love brad (more, obviously).

pure bliss

happy happy day! brad and i are (officially) engaged! i couldnt be happier. this totally takes away all my stresses and worries at the moment. no date set yet. everyone is asking and i dont know what to say! haha. anyway, no date in the world is soon enough. i cant stop smiling...

good news for people who love bad news

ice-age heat wave, can't complain. if the world's at large, why should i remain? walked away to another plan. gonna find another place, maybe one i can stand. i move on to another day, to a whole new town with a whole new way. went to the porch to have a thought. got to the door and again, i couldn't stop. you don't know where and you don't know when. but you still got your words and you got your friends. walk along to another day. work a little harder, work another way. well uh-uh baby i ain't got no plan. we'll float on maybe would you understand? gonna float on maybe would you understand? well i'll float on maybe would you understand? the days get shorter and the nights get cold. i like the autumn but this place is getting old. i pack up my belongings and i head for the coast. it might not be a lot but i feel like i'm making the most. the day's get longer and the nights smell green. i guess it's not surprising but it's spring and i should leave. i like songs about drifters - books about the same. they both seem to make me feel a little less insane. walked on off to another spot. i still haven't got anywhere that i want. did i want love? did i need to know? why does it always feel like i'm caught in an undertow? the moths beat themselves to death against the lights. adding their breeze to the summer nights. outside, water like air was great. i didn't know what i had that day. walk a little farther to another plan. you said that you did, but you didn't understand. i know that starting over is not what life's all about. but my thoughts were so loud, i couldn't hear my mouth. my thoughts were so loud, i couldn't hear my mouth. my thoughts were so loud.

everyday. everyday. waiting. everyday. happy. confused. everyday. i need to stop. then everything will be perfect. waiting.

the first taste

i lie in an early bed thinking late thoughts, waiting for the black to replace my blue. i do not struggle in your web because it was my aim to get caught, but daddy longlegs, i feel that i'm finally growing weary of waiting to be consumed by you. give me the first taste, let it begin, heaven cannot wait forever... darling just start the chase. i'll let you win, but you must make the endeavor. oh, your love give me a heart contusion. adagio breezes fill my skin with sudden red, your hungry flirt borders intrusion and i'm building memories on things we have not said. full is not heavy as empty, not nearly my love. not nearly my love, not nearly... give me the first taste let it begin, heaven cannot wait forever, darling, just start the chase, i'll let you win, but you must make the endeavor. the first taste... let it begin, heaven cannot wait forever. start the chase, i'll let you win but you must make the endeavor

mend-ings

i'm home. drained and exhasted. utah has really brought up a lot of crazy emotions for me. i was forced to face something that i have never really been directly effected by till recently- death. i still dont think i've truely grasped the fact that he's gone. if i close my eyes and concentrate i can still hear him say my name. i can hear him laugh, i can hear his words of praise and love. i really dislike funerals. and viewings. cemeteries are so... final. it's crazy to look down at grave stones and see your last name printed on them. i had to escape the world for a few days and i feel terrible for not being able to respond to people's texts and phone calls. i cant mix two things, at least those two things. everything has been changing lately. i need to take care of a few things, quickly. i need to become responsible and accountable. everything is final now