i just had an actual panic attack. i had always thought i had experienced one before, but really... i didnt know what i was talking about. i couldnt breathe, i would try to suck in air and i couldnt. my heart was sooooo spastic. i felt like i was going to die. oh my goshh. thinking about it gets me nervous. i hate being alone

neveragepotion

i have dark bags under my eyes. it's disgusting. i think it's from lack of sleep and stress. but mostly, lack of sleep. i need to start using night cream!!!! ahhhhh. i hate getting old. i dont want to age anymore! i want to stay nineteen forever!!!! helppppp meeeeee.

things have been fine. school is... i dont even know. haha. it's good. but i havent really learned much. ohhhh, oliver is getting better. he doesnt get mad at me as much as he used to, which is gooood. i moved him into my room so that i could be with him more. i felt like i negleted him in the bathroom. besides, who wants to live in a bathroom anyway???

i've been feeling icky lately. i think it might be from my unhealthy living habits. no sleep, no exercise, little food, and too much homeworkk. i need to get my shiiiii together.

what more do i have to say?

Paperweight

Been up all night
Staring at you
Wondering what’s on your mind
I’ve been this way with so many before
but this feels like the first time

You want the sunrise
Go back to bed
I wanna make you laugh

Mess up my bed with me
Kick off the covers I’m waiting
Every word you say I think I should write down
Don’t want forget come day light

Happy to lay here
Just happy to be here
I’m happy to know you
Play me a song
Your newest one
Please leave your taste on my tongue
Paperweight on my back
Cover me like a blanket

Mess up my bed with me
kick off the covers I’m waiting
Every word you say I think I should write down
Don’t want to forget come day light

And no need to worry
that’s wasting time
And no need to wonder
what’s been on my mind
It’s you
It’s you
It’s you

Every word you say I think I should write down
Don’t want to forget come day light
And I give up
I let you in
You will cuz I’m not counting

You made it back to sleep again
Wondering what you’re dreaming

-Joshua Radin and Schuyler Fisk

oh dear!

i got a red betta fish, his name is oliver. he lives in a vase in my bathroom. i think i am, unknowingly, making him agressive. his vase is in front of a mirror and everytime he see's himself he puffs his cheeks out and looks really scary. i do not want an agressive fish!!!

HOPE

life is amazing!!! things/situations keep getting better and better. i am so happy. school is going good, fourth semester is... ehh? i've been late both days, talk about making a good first impression. haha. kati is going to california tomorrow and i wishhhh i could go with her! i want the beach soooo bad. haha. i shall miss her. brad and i are amazing, i find myself reallllly anxious...

______________________________
Do you believe, in what you see
do you believe in reality
do you believe in the sun that’s bright
do you believe in the stars in the night


Do you believe in the birds that fly
do you believe in clouds and the sky
do you believe in wind that flows
do you believe in moon that glows
do you believe in light

Do you believe the spoken word
do you believe the things you’ve heard
do you believe in the final answer
do you believe in the swirling dancer

Do you believe in sound and sight
do you believe in moments bright
do you believe in taste and touch
do you believe that much

Do you believe in the soul inside
do you believe in ecstasy and delight
do you believe in glory and God
do you believe in that thought

Do you believe in the sky above
do you believe in love
Do you believe in the heaven and the earth
do you believe in death and birth
do you believe in life

open your eyes with hope within
open the door, let light reach in
if you believe, then you'll win
-Siddharth Anand

the little boy and the old man

today was the happiest i have been in a long time. just thinking about it makes my eyes tear up. i am so thankful for so many things. i am so blessed. we went to church (twice for me!), we got two more fish, dinner, and we watched a movie with family. and though my day might sound simple, it was elegantly splended.
___________________________________
Said the little boy, "Sometimes I drop my spoon."
Said the old man, "I do that too."
The little boy whispered, "I wet my pants."
"I do that too," laughed the little old man.
Said the little boy, "I often cry."
The old man nodded, "So do I."
"But worst of all," said the boy, "it seems
Grown-ups don't pay attention to me."
And he felt the warmth of a wrinkled old hand.
"I know what you mean," said the little old man.
-Shel Silverstein

in truth i'm lost for words

things have gotten better, as far as life goes. i know what i want and what's going to make me happy. and everyone can go on thinking what they want, but it's my life and i am the one that truely knows what goes on in it. i am a girl, and i have overreacted and i have over dramatized situations and that is totallly my fault. haha. i'm going to get a job, finnish school, and be happy.

yesterday was fun. brad and i worked out, went swimming, bought fish!, ate pizza and watched a terrible but sometimes funny movie. haha.

marriage

i just woke up. i couldnt find my phone charger, i was freaking out and thought i left it on utah. haha. it was weird, yesterday i woke up in utah and a few hours later i was with brad! what a wonderful day indeed! we worked out, swam, ate icecream, and watched a movie with christian bale in it (christian bale is attractive). it's almost 720, yesssssss! haha. ohhhh goodness. i miss my cousins. and my grandparents. i miss temple square, it was gorgeous. and it made me feel happy

utaaaah

busyyy week. my fingertips just got realllly numb and now im freaking out. anyways. going to temple square after hospital. excited! report more laterr!

take this, haters

whattt a day. what a weeeeek. i dont even know what to make of it. so, i'm just not going to think about it. i am soooo exhasted. confusion and frustration does that...

so i am still reading catcher in the rye. i decided there was no rush to finnish this time and i should just enjoy it and take it in.

"this fall i think youre riding for- it's a special kind of fall, a horrible kind. the man falling isnt permitted to feel or hear himself hit bottom. he just keeps falling and falling. the whole arrangement's designed for men who, at some time or other in their lives, were looking for something their own environment couldnt supply them with. or they thought their own environment couldnt supply them with. so they gave up looking. they gave up before they ever really started." 243-244

con-EFFING-fusion

i physically hurt. i feel like screaming profanities.

what would you do if you saw your future ending? haha. laugh? because you cant cry.

i gave my fatdog a bath. cause i didnt want to do anything else.

"i think i'll go home and mull this over before i cram it down my throat. at long last it's crashed, this colossal mass has broken up into bits in my moat... it's a luscious mix of words and tricks that let us bet when you know we should fold. on rocks i dreamt of where we'd stepped and all the whole mess of roads we're now on."

shiver; coldplay

so i look in your direction but you pay me no attention, do you? i know you don't listen to me cause you say you see straight through me, don't you? on and on from the moment i wake, to the moment i sleep i'll be there by your side; just you try and stop me. i'll be waiting in line, just to see if you care. oh…did you want me to change? well I'd change for good. and i want you to know that you'll always get your way, i wanted to say…don't you shiver. sing it loud and clear i'll always be waiting for you so you know how much i need you but you never even see me, do you?and is this my final chance of getting you and on and on from the moment i wake, to the moment i sleep i'll be there by your side; just you try and stop me. i'll be waiting in line, just to see if you care. Oh…Did you want me to change? well i'd change for good and i want you to know that you'll always get your way, i wanted to say…don't you shiver. don't you shiver. sing it loud and clear, i'll always be waiting for you. yeah i'll always be waiting for you. yeah i'll always be waiting for you. yeah i'll always be waiting for you, for you. i will always be waiting…and it's you i see but you don't see me and it's you i hear so loud and so clear. i sing it loud and clear. and i'll always be waiting for you, so i look in your direction but you pay me no attention. and you know how much i need you, but you never even see me.

help, i have done it again

uhhhh. where to begin? this is my last week in third semester. so i've been busy with exams. i have my last(major) exam/final tomorrow... and i havent studied. i never study. yeahhh, that's me. anyways. i get a week off school next week. and today i found out i'm going to utah. tuesday - friday. my grandfather is ill and doesnt have much time left, only a few weeks. i was reading catcher in the rye(again) today and holden says, "I guess it hasn't hit me yet. It takes things a while to hit me." and i couldnt help from... relating. stuff nevers "hits" me till it's too late. so guess i havent really processed anything recently. anyway, things are going to be fine...

this week has been weird. i know i'm quick to judge this week, considering it's only tuesday night, but things have not been/felt the same. emma spent the night last night and that was wonderful and we had a good time. but other then that things have been weird. maybe it's just because of school stress and not seeing brad as much. who knowssssss.

"it just takes some time, little girl you're in the middle of the ride. everything, everything it'll be just fine. hey, you know they're all the same. you know you're doing better on your own, so don't buy in. live right now. yeah, just be yourself. it doesn't matter if it's good enough for someone else."

"we accept the love we think we deserve"

i fell asleep with a dictionary under my pillow. no joke. it's a cute green one that i bought with emma at barns and noble. anyways. it made my headache worse. so in conclusion, check under your pillow for dictionaries.

life has been... uhhh, hmm. really, life is life and whatever happens happens. i know that doesnt make sense, but really, what makes life so good? it's different for everyone. for example, one thing that makes life good for someone could make life bad for another. so insted of just saying life is good, i think im going to start saying why life is good. haha. i'm in a peculiar mood. okay. my life is good because i am getting a week off of school soon. i went to church today. my bestfriend is back in town. my boyfriend is amazingly handsome(and more then that). my gas light hasnt come on yet. and i am choosing to be happy.

i finnished reading perks (again and again). and everytime i finnish it i feel as though i just read it for the first time. i rememeber reading it as a freshman, sitting in the grass at freestone park, with anaka. i was resting my head on my gray jansport backpack and anaka was writing. it felt wonderful and just thinking about it makes me want to cry. a storm came upon us out of nowhere and we huddled together, with our heads under our backpacks and the rain stinging our backs and thunder and lightning all around. anyways, i feel bad for going off on a tangent. my point is that everytime i read this book i cant help but wonder how many people have read it and felt the same emotions and had the same thoughts that i have.

"i guess we are who who we are for a lot of reasons. and maybe we'll never know most of them. but even if we don't have the power to choose where we come from, we can still choose where we go from there. we can still do things. and we can try to feel okay about them." 211

when wishes are few, the heart is happy

- surrender/ trust
- do not take life's experiences too seriously
- show personal integrity
- don't risk what you don't want to lose
- live according to your beliefs
- listen to the full answer
- know when to quit
- explore the richness of your imperfections
- when you accept yourself just as you are, then you can change
- look at things from some else's perspective
- allow your day to unfold
- respond to a hug
- grow old gracefully
- value yourself
- when you have nothing to say, say nothing
- keep the small stuff small
- take a deep breath and tell the truth
- this moment is the perfect moment to let go
- ask other people about themselves
- eat meals under the trees