i just had an actual panic attack. i had always thought i had experienced one before, but really... i didnt know what i was talking about. i couldnt breathe, i would try to suck in air and i couldnt. my heart was sooooo spastic. i felt like i was going to die. oh my goshh. thinking about it gets me nervous. i hate being alone

neveragepotion

i have dark bags under my eyes. it's disgusting. i think it's from lack of sleep and stress. but mostly, lack of sleep. i need to start using night cream!!!! ahhhhh. i hate getting old. i dont want to age anymore! i want to stay nineteen forever!!!! helppppp meeeeee.

things have been fine. school is... i dont even know. haha. it's good. but i havent really learned much. ohhhh, oliver is getting better. he doesnt get mad at me as much as he used to, which is gooood. i moved him into my room so that i could be with him more. i felt like i negleted him in the bathroom. besides, who wants to live in a bathroom anyway???

i've been feeling icky lately. i think it might be from my unhealthy living habits. no sleep, no exercise, little food, and too much homeworkk. i need to get my shiiiii together.

what more do i have to say?

Paperweight

Been up all night
Staring at you
Wondering what’s on your mind
I’ve been this way with so many before
but this feels like the first time

You want the sunrise
Go back to bed
I wanna make you laugh

Mess up my bed with me
Kick off the covers I’m waiting
Every word you say I think I should write down
Don’t want forget come day light

Happy to lay here
Just happy to be here
I’m happy to know you
Play me a song
Your newest one
Please leave your taste on my tongue
Paperweight on my back
Cover me like a blanket

Mess up my bed with me
kick off the covers I’m waiting
Every word you say I think I should write down
Don’t want to forget come day light

And no need to worry
that’s wasting time
And no need to wonder
what’s been on my mind
It’s you
It’s you
It’s you

Every word you say I think I should write down
Don’t want to forget come day light
And I give up
I let you in
You will cuz I’m not counting

You made it back to sleep again
Wondering what you’re dreaming

-Joshua Radin and Schuyler Fisk

oh dear!

i got a red betta fish, his name is oliver. he lives in a vase in my bathroom. i think i am, unknowingly, making him agressive. his vase is in front of a mirror and everytime he see's himself he puffs his cheeks out and looks really scary. i do not want an agressive fish!!!

HOPE

life is amazing!!! things/situations keep getting better and better. i am so happy. school is going good, fourth semester is... ehh? i've been late both days, talk about making a good first impression. haha. kati is going to california tomorrow and i wishhhh i could go with her! i want the beach soooo bad. haha. i shall miss her. brad and i are amazing, i find myself reallllly anxious...

______________________________
Do you believe, in what you see
do you believe in reality
do you believe in the sun that’s bright
do you believe in the stars in the night


Do you believe in the birds that fly
do you believe in clouds and the sky
do you believe in wind that flows
do you believe in moon that glows
do you believe in light

Do you believe the spoken word
do you believe the things you’ve heard
do you believe in the final answer
do you believe in the swirling dancer

Do you believe in sound and sight
do you believe in moments bright
do you believe in taste and touch
do you believe that much

Do you believe in the soul inside
do you believe in ecstasy and delight
do you believe in glory and God
do you believe in that thought

Do you believe in the sky above
do you believe in love
Do you believe in the heaven and the earth
do you believe in death and birth
do you believe in life

open your eyes with hope within
open the door, let light reach in
if you believe, then you'll win
-Siddharth Anand